Answers to Frequently Asked Questions Based on Tubman Family Alliance's Views on Family Violence and People Who Have Behaved Abusively

Tubman Family Alliance believes that violence is a learned behavior and that violence can be unlearned. Tubman seeks to offer the widest range of choices to the men and women we serve and to use creative strategies to help people build violence-free lives. Domestic violence is a complex issue, and there is no single approach that works for every relationship and every situation. Tubman Family Alliance helps men and women understand and access their full range of options, and we support their choices—even when victims choose to work on a relationship that has been abusive, and to stay together as a family. We know that the men and women we serve are the experts on what is best for themselves and their families.

What makes a healthy, non-abusive relationship?

Developing healthy dynamics in a relationship requires attention to four key principles. These four points of balance* are the foundation of all Tubman Family Alliance programs.

• Maintaining a clear sense of yourself while in a close relationship. When close to people important to you—whether a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, parent, or other—stay centered, maintain your own belief system, and express your own opinions and feelings that are separate and distinct than those of the person you care about.
• Tolerating discomfort for growth. Change in relationships is often hard—work through painful or difficult feelings or experiences to get to a place of greater contentment, peace and personal growth, and a more fulfilling relationship.
• Non-reactivity to your partner’s anxiety. Stay calm when someone you care about is stressed out, anxious, sad, upset or angry—support the person you care about without getting “sucked in” to feel exactly the same way they do.
• Self-soothing your hurts. When feeling bad, take care of yourself and take responsibility for your own feelings—-don’t relying on others to “fix” things for you when you are feeling anxious, stressed out, angry, upset, sad, or lonely.

What are some things I can do to have a non-abusive relationship?**

For Both Men and Women:

• Recognize unhealthy power balances, like when one person in a relationship makes all the decisions.
• Practice open communication in all close relationships—directly and honestly telling those you care about what you need and how you feel.
• Eliminate “rescuer” behavior—where you feel like it’s your job to save someone or fix someone else’s problems for them, even if it’s someone you care about.
• Balance your life and at work with your life at home.

For Men:

• Learn to control your own feelings and emotions.
• Practice standing up for yourself and communicating your needs without aggression.
• Practice seduction without coercing, forcing, manipulating or blaming your partner.
• Model respect for women and girls—through words, actions, and use of appropriate humor, whether or not females are around.
• Increase your involvement in the everyday lives and experiences of children.
• Support and nurture other men, as well as women.
• Advocate appropriately for the importance of male perspectives and experiences.

For Women:

• Learn to advocate for your own needs and use your personal power to create change in your life.
• Practice recognizing your own needs and desires.
• Set your own limits without becoming judgmental or a “martyr.”
• Model respect for boys and men—through words, actions and use of appropriate humor, whether or not males are around.
• Interact more with adult men and women, and learn to compete comfortably with other adults—without feeling shame, jealousy, anger or guilt.
• Support and nurture other women, as well as men.
• Advocate appropriately for the importance of female perspectives and experiences.

Why does a perpetrator abuse?

Anyone can be abusive, and anyone can be abused, even though the vast majority of reported cases involve men abusing women. Violence and abuse happens in same-sex relationships as well as in intimate relationships between men and women. Here are some of the reasons why perpetrators abuse.

Perpetrators may have an unhealthy sense of “power.” Power is defined as the ability to influence. Perpetrators of physical family violence, more often men, may be driven to influence others. When perpetrators lose their sense of power over others, they may become violent or abusive as a way to relieve the anxiety that comes from feeling powerless. When a perpetrator hurts his partner, it takes the pressure off him and whatever he and his partner are going through that makes him anxious. His partner may back off. Sometimes his partner may also feel less anxious, even though there may be pain, because the pressure and tension has gone down. Perpetrators may blame others for their problems, including their own abusive behaviors, and often have a mindset that “The world is the problem.” People tend to gravitate toward what feels familiar, even if that means dangerous or unhealthy behavior. With insight, additional information, and hard work, even perpetrators can become responsible men or women—in healthy relationships—as well as responsible parents.

Why does a victim often go back to an abusive partner or find a similar partner after leaving an abusive relationship?

Victims may return to their abusers (or find themselves in a subsequent abusive relationship) for many reasons.

Victims may have an unhealthy sense of “control.” Control is the ability to shape or block influence. Victims, more often women, may be driven to try to limit the influence that others can have over them. The victim is often very strong; she can withstand high amounts of pain, but may be able to tolerate little anxiety. When she is abused, she usually feels powerless. Victims often develop a mindset that “I am the problem,” tending to blame themselves for being in an abusive situation. If the victim is used to abusive patterns, it takes more than being told it is a bad situation to initiate change. Breaking free from abuse often takes a radical change to one’s mindset, view of themselves, view of the world, patterns, behaviors and attitudes—a change that is truly life-transforming. With support, information and resources, victims are more likely to take action to move towards a violence-free life. However, every victim has their own timeline—and it must be the victim’s own decision about when and how to take action.

Why hasn’t domestic violence treatment always worked in the past?

In a traditional “anger management” approach to treating perpetrators of family violence, the facilitator interrogates perpetrators until they confess or own up to their abusive acts. This approach has proven to be ineffective. Professionals who aim to help perpetrators change their behaviors must not buy into to a one-size-fits-all treatment method. Tubman Family Alliance offers choices for people to improve their lives.

Perpetrators have often been victimized in some tangible or perceived way, and tend to view themselves as victims—often believing that “The world is the problem.” Victimizing perpetrators—through blaming or interrogating them—only cements the perpetrator’s mindset, often resulting in increased anger. Tubman Family Alliance’s therapeutic approach teaches people with abusive behaviors to confront themselves and become accountable for their abusive behavior.

What is the therapeutic approach used in Holistic Counseling Services offered by Tubman Family Alliance?

In groups and individual sessions at Tubman Family Alliance, therapists do not confront perpetrators punishing them or forcing confessions and compliance, which can often be false anyway. Instead, therapists push the perpetrators to confront themselves and develop their integrity. The perpetrator learns more than just managing his or her anger. They gain the ability to put their “best foot forward” even during times of high anxiety and anger, rather than just reacting to their feelings. This approach balances accountability with support to change human behavior and transform lives. When Tubman does recidivism checks—to see if perpetrators have re-offended or been arrested again for any reason—we go beyond the legal system’s “do the crime, do the time” approach to reach out to people who may be still in need of support.

One of our agency’s overall goals is to incorporate more holistic programming into communities by including cultural, spiritual, philosophical and psychological components to encourage healthy growth—truly seeing the whole person, not just an “abuser” or a “victim.” Tubman Family Alliance includes the community in making decisions and helping to shape our programming whenever possible. For example, Tubman’s restorative justice initiative uses sentencing circles, where the community in partnership with the courts determines sentencing. This alternative involves the community in both demanding accountability from the perpetrator, and in offering support to change their abusive behaviors.

Does this approach blame the victim?

Victims are not responsible for being abused. Victims are responsible for standing up for themselves, setting boundaries, and doing what’s best for them, including considering their safety. Tubman Family Alliance supports an approach that balances independence and a connection to others—-in some cases, a partner—-while building on the strengths of the victim.



*Based on the research of Dr. David Schnarch, and his book “Passionate Marriage”

**Based on the work of Dr. James Maddock