Warning signs

If you are in an unhealthy relationship, review the signs below to determine if your partner has an abusive personality.

A push for quick involvement – Comes on very strong, claiming, “I've never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures you for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

Jealousy – Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone;” checks the mileage on your car.

Controlling – Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

Unrealistic expectations – Expects you to be the “perfect” woman or man and meet his or her every need.

Isolation – Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble;” the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

Blames others for problems or mistakes – Blames the boss, parents, or you – it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.

Makes everyone else responsible for his/her feelings – The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of, “I am angry” or, “You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you.” Less obvious is the claim: “You make me happy.”

Hypersensitivity – Is easily insulted, claiming his or her feelings are hurt when he or she is really mad; complains about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

Cruelty to animals or children – Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (hits a 2-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse their children.

Use of force during sex – Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

Verbal abuse – Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, cusses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation; waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

Rigid gender roles – Expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.

Sudden mood swings – Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.

Past battering – Admits hitting a partner in the past, but says he or she “made me do it,” or that “the situation brought it on.”

Threats of violence – Makes statements like “I'll break your neck” or “I'll kill you,” and then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way” or “I didn't really mean it.”


Source: Adapted from “Signs to Look for In a Battering Personality,” Project for Victims of Family Violence, Fayetteville, AR