What to do if your friend is being hurt

Listen. You may be the first person to hear about the abuse that is happening in a friend's life. Believe what your friend tells you. He or she may have been told by his or her abuser that no one will believe or care about what he or she says. Tell your friend that you want to support him or her, and remember that you don't need to have all the answers.

Present possible options. As hard as it may be, try not to give advice. A person experiencing abuse is being overpowered by another person. He or she may be told what to do, how to act, or what to wear. Instead of offering advice, come up with some choices about what your friend can do such as:

• Think about leaving the relationship.
• Call a crisis hotline and talk to someone.
• Let your friend know that his or her conversation will be confidential unless it involves abuse of someone under 18.
• Talk with another trusted friend about what is happening.
• Let your friend know he or she can talk with you again about what is happening.

Let the person know that he or she does not deserve to be hurt. People experiencing abuse may think they must have done something to cause the abuse. No one deserves to be put down or overpowered by another person physically or emotionally. Caring about someone means respecting that person by not misusing power over him or her.

Support the choices your friend makes. It may be hard to see a friend stay in a situation where he or she is getting hurt, but remember that everyone has the right to make choices. It is hard to talk about or leave a person who is hurting us. There is a part of your friend that cares about the person. He or she may hope that the abusive person will change or that the person needs him or her. Your friend will decide to leave or get further help when he or she is ready.

Take care of yourself. There are many feelings you and your friend may have about an abusive situation. It is important that you also talk about your feelings and get support. Call someone at one of the shelter hotlines if you feel the need to talk with someone.

If someone you know is displaying abusive behaviors, encourage them to call Tubman Family Alliance's help line at 612-825-0000 or 651-770-0777. Someone is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week to talk about anger management and other issues of concern.

Source: Alexandra House